those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
