I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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