I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Life is so much better after having sex.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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