Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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