Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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