Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
