I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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