He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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