My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
