Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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