You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You are the jesus of drinking
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
