I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
