The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize