so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
