I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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