New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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