also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
