I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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