They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
