note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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