we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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