I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
