did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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