even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We are two peas in an std pod
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
