I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
