we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
