Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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