that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
