Farmville is her only friend.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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