I accidentally burped into my bong.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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