I can text with my tongue
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
