I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
