no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
