the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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