Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
