Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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