i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
