Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
