Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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