We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
