someone owes me an orgasm
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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