That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
