My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize