Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
