But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This baby is an asshole
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
