my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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