Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
