Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
