I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
