Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
