You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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