i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
