Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
