I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize