so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
