I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
