i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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