Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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