Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
