this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
