all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
