I wish I could teleport
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
