Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
