The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
