Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
