I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
