I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
