meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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