i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
