i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
