she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
